It’s a strange sensation. Jesse both hears and feels her tell him to stop, and it jerks him out of his reverie. Probably for the best. His thoughts had still managed to take a dark turn. He’d been so sure he’d left this all behind him, or at least the worst of it, but… that vision. It was like being stabbed again in the same place you were wounded once before. Old and new at once.
“You alright?”
He waits until they’re pulled over to ask, the night around them feeling almost strangely muted compared to the roar of the bike. Thankfully, it’s really just a normal amount of quiet, otherwise Jesse would have kicked the engine back on and hightailed it out of there.
"Yeah. I'm fine." She throws her leg over the bike and stands up crossing her arms and looking at him. Nights in Deerington weren't ever the safest, but she hadn't come unarmed and her focus was on him rather than what could be lurking in the shadows. Though she liked to think that she had a high tolerance for the crazy in this town, Jesse had been weird most of the month and it's got her set on edge.
"How 'bout you? How you doin'?" She gave him a pointed look, that suggested she was over the pretense. His anxiety and grief and guilt were so loud it was starting to make her feel jumpy. For better or worse they needed to solve this. "And I'd like the truth, please." Mixed into her agitation and need to know, was concern and despite her putting her foot down, that concern was clear in her eyes. She just hoped that he would be honest with her.
That look says a lot, even without their bond giving him context. She’s worried. She’d heard something. Question is what.
which truth
He stays seated on the bike, but leans back so his hands are off the handlebars. He looks in turns defiant and defeated, stubborn and tired. She can probably feel the push and pull as he wrestles with what to say. And what not to say.
protect her
“You know I haven’t been great. Not since Rapture.” He really does hate the name of that city. Makes no damn sense. “I… saw an old memory.”
Reaper
“And it shook a few things loose in my head. That’s what the nightmares have been about, but they’ll go away.”
The push and pull he's going through invokes her own back and forth. Ashe doesn't want to press him into talking about things that he doesn't want to talk about, but at the same time, they are in this together and she wants to know that he trusts her enought to be honest. Whatever is happening in his head, it's eating him up.
She takes a deep breath, unsure herself if she wants the truth of whatever it is he's hiding from her.
"I know. And I've been tryin' to give you your space about this, but you gotta trust me enough to let me in."
When he speaks of the memory and the name Reaper creeps up like a whisper in her own head, she swallows.
"I get nightmares, had enough of them myself here. But I can feel you're keepin' somethin' from me. And what's this about Reaper?"
If it were anything else—anything else—Jesse would do just that. Trust her. Let her in. They’ve already done that in so many ways about so many things. The only reason he won’t now is for her own sake. Hearing her say Reaper’s name alone sends a freezing cold spike of dread straight into his chest.
“No,” he says, not even aware he’s speaking the word out loud until it’s out of his mouth. But there it is, out in the open, and he shakes his head as he continues to speak. “Ashe, listen. This is one thing I can’t—”
don’t think about it don’t think about it
He’s giving himself a headache, and not just from sheer stubbornness. The bond works in mysterious ways, but it surely wasn’t meant to be fought with like this. The more he does, the harder it seems to be to keep his grip on it. It’ll happen any second now. He’s losing control. He realizes he’d stopped talking, teeth grit, eyes shut as he focuses. But trying to not think of something is a classically useless endeavor.
Reyes dying
GabeAnaJackOverwatchguiltReaperangerbeneath
the mask
he still looks like him
He can’t hold it anymore, and the bond opens up wide like a floodgate, the truth he’d been trying to suppress even louder and more forceful for it.
The more he tries to force it all away the more her own head starts to ache. It's as if the frequency between them is off kilter and it's difficult to separate all the memories and feelings. She feels flooded and she feels all together too hot for the night. Her own feelings are caught up in the mix of it all as she tries to navigate the mental line where he ends and she begins.
There's guilt. That's for certain. Which is a relief since he's hiding something from her. There is fear too and despair. She can feel that he wants to protect her, and she would argue that she isn't a child or get mad at him but there isn't a chance too with the flood of memories that seems to spill over the edge. She feels like she'll drown in the middle of it all, but she holds herself steady trying to sort through it all.
As the dust seems to settle, she can see it more clearly. There is a vacant look on her face as if she's watching a film unfold. She's a smart woman and it doesn't take her too long to start to put together the pieces. There is a growing chaos of emotions that fills her mind as she repeats the same thing silently to herself. Reaper is Reyes, Reyes is Reaper. Pieces start to fit together. Reaper's obsession with Jesse. The man she had briefly spoken to as a teenager, was the same person who had taken Jesse from her.
It's a lot to process, and Ashe is breathing heavily as she finally looks to Jesse. Her heart wrenches painfully as old wounds feel like they are being ripped open again. She holds herself high and strong, but he'd know she didn't feel it. Reyes had been here the whole time, and Jesse had known it. Had he been protecting him? Her? Whatever his reasons, she wasn't okay with it, and her protective wall of anger is growing and when she finally speaks she's too calm for it to be a good thing.
"This whole time...you've been keepin' this from me? Y'know...I wondered why he was so obsessed with you...but I never put it together."
It’s done. It’s out there. Jesse almost feels relieved, but it’s a very secondary emotion behind his mounting anxiety and dread. He’d known this would hurt her if she ever found out. It had been a price worth paying for her safety though. He’d rather have her angry at him than dead. He takes a steadying breath and gets off of the motorcycle.
“Yeah. I have.”
No denial. No reason for it now.
“I didn’t know it was still him at first. Reaper… he had tells. I noticed them before even getting here, but I thought it was just his body. Just a shell left over from what Moira did. There was no way it could be Gabe under there. Then he ended up here…” And slowly, Jesse had realized Reaper was more than that. He’s not the same, not anymore, but what he is now is a lot more complicated than Jesse ever wanted to consider.
“He’s not the same man, but he’s not what I thought he was either. He’s somethin’ between.”
His gaze sharpens then, lit up with new intent. She can hold this against him, can freeze him out, can do whatever she sees fit if she only—
For years Reyes had been the faceless and nameless enemy of all her hatred and loathing. He'd robbed her of the years that she could have had with Jesse, building an empire the way they both wanted it built. They'd been practically children, but they would have figured out their feelings sooner or later and gotten together long ago. He'd stolen that from her. She'd been alone a majority of her life, but she'd started to open up and let people in. First Jesse; then the other two they'd started the gang with; then members they added. For a few short years, she'd been content and happy.
Something in her had been stolen the day he had. Her own memories came rushing back to her.
A meeting where she'd yelled mercilessly at the other members of Deadlock when they'd told her they hadn't been able to find him. She'd made threats and demands and screamed at them to go back again to find clues that she knew herself weren't there. It only stopped when one of the other co-founders placed a hand on her shoulder that the emotion had overwhelmed her and she'd stormed from the room so they wouldn't see her apart. She lost it instead behind the safety of her bedroom door sobbing on her bed until she'd passed out from exhaustion. Nights of drinking herself to sleep, while wearing his old sweatshirts followed.
Once she did pick herself back up, it was meetings with dangerous gang leaders to try and figure out his location. Digging herself in deeper, while simultaneously building on her parent's business model to create new partnerships and alliances. From time to time she'd check in for updates on Jesse's location. When a desperate attempt to find him had gone poorly and her life and the lives of others had been at risk, she'd had to choose.
The Southwest had been ready to name her the leader and offer her the crown and throne, wealth, power, and notoriety were at her fingertips. It was a life that might not have had him, but it was filled with luxury and all the things that had started to feel more reliable than people and relationships. She loved her team and her found family, but she kept them at a distance. She could at least cover the loneliness with glitter and gold. Just as Mr. and Mrs. Ashe had taught her.
There is a particularly poignant memory. She was standing in front of a mirror staring at her reflection. Around her several boxes of his things were packed up. A photo of them playing cards sat on the sink, in worn, but undamaged condition. For awhile she just looked at herself, and she'd been crying. Her hair was tied back in a braid that was thrown over her shoulder. Reaching for a pair of scissors she holds her braid in one hand. She swallowed and closed her eyes considering. When she opened them her reflection is one of determination. The braid fell to the sink moments later and she worked with the scissors to get her hair into something that satisfied her. Then she reached for her blood red lipstick and applied. Once finished, there was a smirk of satisfaction. Ashe had shed the past and accepted her new life.
It wasn't just her hair she had cut away. She'd cut away many of the parts of herself that he had loved, because they reminded her of happier times, and she couldn't survive in the world she now owned if she had continued to let them run the show. But when he'd returned, she hadn't been the girl that had been left behind, she was a woman he hadn't known. One she wasn't sure she had fully recognized.
Not until Deerington. And she'd let her guard down. She'd often felt foolish where Jesse was concerned, but she felt more the fool now for allowing him in, only to be lied to. Reyes, the man who had been a thorn in their story since the day he'd taken Jesse, was part of the story again. And it wasn't just Reyes anymore, now it was Reaper. No wonder he hadn't liked her. No wonder he'd been frustrated when Jesse had returned to her. The greatest enemy to her happiness had been with them like a shadow all along, messing with Jesse all over again. He was the cause of Jesse's nightmares, but he'd also been the cause of hers.
Her tone remains cold, there is madness in her eyes, and her chin is turned upwards in a familiar way. The way she looks before she calls someone out for going against her. The way she looks before she comes for blood, and it's not Jesse's she wants.
Jesse doesn’t experience the memory in a true cinematic fashion. It’s not as clear as the memories he’d gotten from Reaper, as per the rules of the threads. Seeing the mercenary’s memories had been like watching the experiences through Reaper’s eyes. Now, his understanding of Ashe’s memories is portrayed more through emotion than imagery. The latter is there, though less clear.
He’d known about Ashe’s rise to power. Deadlock was still very much on Blackwatch’s radar even after the raid, with most of its leadership intact. He’d been proud at first. She was doing it. Everything they’d ever set out to take for themselves, she’d gotten. Then as his priorities had started to change, the pride… didn’t go away, per say. But it was tempered by regret. They’d just been two kids looking for freedom from their circumstances. They shouldn’t have had to turn into weapons to do that. Was the world a better place with Deadlock in it? He’d thought about that more than once. He’d wondered if she ever did too.
None of it is a surprise then, although her pain cuts him deep. The loneliness she’d endured, that he’d never known until Deerington.
But that’s something to think about later, because he knows that look in her eye. This is his worst fear coming to life right in front of him. Can she feel his fear? The slow but inevitable rise of sickening panic?
“Or he’ll kill you, Ashe.” His voice rises in volume, pleading. Jesse on the verge of begging is not something many have heard. “He won’t even think twice if you come at him. He was part of this experimental program when he was starting out in the military, him and Jack Morrison—government turned them into super soldiers. Shit’s still classified to this day, and it means it doesn’t matter what you do to get the drop on him. You’re not beatin’ him in a fight.”
He’s more afraid now than he’d been taking that bullet for Ashe. Him dying for her is one thing. Her throwing her life away is something else, something he can’t bear. He’ll do whatever it takes to stop this.
Ashe would have been able to tell that he was afraid even if she didn't have the connection to his soul. It was written on his face just how afraid he was for her. For a moment it seems to be at war with her own fury. From all their time together in Deerington she has grown in her understanding of relationships, love, and even compassion. It's been the first time in years that she's held back in areas she may have previously charged in to. Having Jesse back, and relying on his intelligence for things has tempered some of her harshness. If this hadn't been so deeply personal, it would have been enough to make her step back and consider. Especially since she wasn't as impulsive as she had been in her youth.
She stands in front of him, her features unwavering as he tells her about Reyes and his talents, how she's surely to end up dead if she goes up against him. The truth of that isn't lost on her, but death has never been good at leading her away from danger, especially when only her own life at stake. Right now the thought of standing in front of the man she's wanted to tear apart since her youth is like a drug, and whatever the outcome she is craving revenge. The panic he feels gives her pause, but it's not strong enough to combat the desire to fight his old commander.
"Well if that happens the kitties will kill him for me and when we're both back, I'll get my revenge then. While his memory is gone."
She walks around him to the bike, reaching for where she kept Viper tucked and pulls the weapon out to start checking for bullets. "You can't stop me. I have been waitin' for this conversation for far too long." A small part of her is worried that is she does this Jesse wouldn't forgive her. It's at combat with the voice that reminds her that he lied to her, withheld information. Once again, he'd made a choice without her input, and she isn't even sure how to forgive him. It's a perfect storm inside of her and she's crazy enough in that moment that she doesn't care who or what gets destroyed in its wake.
He turns, watching her check her weapon. Has she noticed yet that he took the keys with him when he got off the bike? Only a matter of time before she does. He can feel them in his pocket, a leaden weight that he ignores as he reaches out to put a hand on her arm.
“This isn’t worth it. He’s not even the same man in all the ways that mattered. The Reyes who took me is already dead, and I don’t want to lose you over the ghost that's left. That’s all he is anymore.”
A ghost still resembles the living though. Jesse knows this, has seen it for himself when looking at Reaper’s true face and seeing his memories. It’s not simple. None of this is simple.
“If you die tonight Ashe, over this, I…” his voice catches. “I don’t know what I’ll do. This is why I didn’t tell you, because I knew you’d go runnin’ off just like this.”
Without their connection, Ashe would only have the weight of her own emotions. She wouldn't have anything that questioned the impulsivity of her present direction. It would make it easier to rush out of there and do her own thing directed only by her own desires. Jesse's fear and love and desperation muddle it all down and it's harder to think only about herself.
If she were honest she'd admit it was harder to think about just herself in general these days. If she went up against Reaper and died, then she'd be disappointing more than just Jesse. Her recklessness would impact Chloe, Ben, and Roxas; youth that were trying to rely on her. She didn't even know how B.O.B. would take it.
She closes her eyes as the battle of desire continues to wage war instead of her head. Jesse's desire. Her desire. Her throat feels tight. Jesse had gone and cracked the fragile trust that she'd been trying to rebuild with him. It might have been a smaller issue if the previous transgressions that she had been holding against him were buried deeper. As it stood, she's still working through those issues and though being in Deerington had given them distance, it hadn't erased the pain they'd caused her.
A small voice inside of her knows he's right. As a leader she knew to keep information from people that would put them at risk. The turmoil of it all is raging inside of her and she lets Viper rest on the seat, throwing her hands up in the air and letting out a holler of frustration. If there were ghosts in the fields tonight, they were wise enough to not show themselves.
"What you'll do!? Goddammit Jesse! It's all about what you'll do, isn't it!? Shit like this always comes out. Always. But what? You gotta...protect me? Because if you gave a shit about protectin' me, you'd start to takin' me into account! This ain't the first time you've withheld information from me, will it be the last?" She doubted it, some habits were hard to break. "But let's get one thing straight right here and right now." Her voice goes cold and she looks him dead in the eye.
"If I die, doin' what I want to do, that's my goddamn right because I am a grown ass woman and I don't need your damn protection. Hell, I've been without it for years. I can give you a checklist of a hundred times I've needed you, but you weren't there to protect me. And why is that? Because of him." She gestured to nowhere, swallowing as she tried to reign in her anger. "I lost your protection because of him. Don't patronize me with it now. Because if you really believed he was gone, you would have killed him yourself for all the crimes he's done. Now give me the damn keys." She held out her hand and it was shaking from the break in her own resolve over the matter.
He can feel her indecision, and he’s hopeful for just a few precious seconds. She’s made so many strides these past months. Let go of so much anger and forged so many new bonds. Surely that means she can see how this could only end in tragedy. Then she’s unleashing the full force of her displeasure on him, and any hope of her rethinking his whole thing is completely crushed beneath the force of it.
It’s all about what you’ll do, isn’t it?
She’s right. That’s the hard thing about all of it really, that she’s right about so much. He hadn’t been there for her. Reyes was to blame, and no—despite what he says, he really doesn’t think Reyes is totally gone. And yes, even now, Jesse is making this about him to an extent. But that doesn’t stop anger from rising up to tangle with his fear—anger at her recklessness and her lack of regard for her own safety. She’d die for this, and she will unless he does something to stop it.
He meets her gaze with his own, steady and sad and fiery with determination.
“The whole reason I didn’t tell you is because I took you into account. You’re sure as hell not gonna do it for yourself. You think you’d be past this, throwing your good sense to the wind for revenge!”
He stops, breathing hard, eyes shining bright where the moonlight hits them. A wolf’s eyes. The anger is bringing it out more now, making him hyper-aware of the night around them and the danger on the wind. Slowly, he shakes his head and takes a purposeful step back away from her. The few feet now between them might as well be a mile. A canyon in a familiar desert they’ve both walked in before.
Always punish betrayal. One of her core rules, something to live by and something to die by.
She didn't want to die, despite all her reckless behavior that suggested otherwise, Ashe did not want to die. If it were any other situation she would have the ability to think with clarity about what she's facing. Only a little over an hour earlier they had been tucked into bed together, her soothing his nightmares away as he tried to regain his own clarity. Now they were standing apart and she can feel that distant. She knows this is the part where she sabotages what she has. It's like she's that child all over again scowling at the door when what she wants is to ask her parents to stay. But people didn't stay and so you had to hurt them before they could hurt you.
Without the fear of death being permanent, she's that much more of a loose canon because the consequence isn't as high. Spite is so intrinsically woven into her patterns of behavior that she'd practically die just to get back at him. While she's confused and lost, she can't get a strong enough grip on her rationality, though hopefully he'd feel her trying through their bond. This leaves her with nothing to turn to other than the same old tired patterns that leave her wounded and alone.
And with him standing there like that, eyes gleaming in the moonlight, he feels like a stranger. She doesn't want to lose the love or the romance of the foundation that they are slowly been building together. The future feels deeply uncertain and despite how badly she wants that future with him, she's a woman dedicated to the present.
Always punish betrayal. It rings louder in her head than her regret and desire to be proved wrong.
So punish betrayal she would. People would suffer that night, but she was already suffering and if she had to drag the entire town down with her, she would.
She walked back to the bike and grabbed Viper again, slinging the rifle over her shoulder and standing proud, once again at the the crossroads with him. "So what? You gonna lock me up? Throw away the key until I promise not to seek revenge? You know that isn't me. You can't watch me every second of every day."
She estimated the walk back, or the walk to wherever he was. She'd find him and if she had to walk to do it she would. "One way or another, I'm gonna teach that man that you don't fuck with Elizabeth Ashe. Sometimes people are just bad Jesse. I've never pretended to be otherwise, but that man who took you, somehow he convinced you his motives were pure and his heart was in the right place. Well I'm not blinded by it, so I'm goin' to do what you can't do and end it. Not everyone can be saved, maybe not even me." Her eyes were watering but she hoped it wasn't visible in the dark, she wanted to look strong and steadfast. She was terrified he'd never forgive her. Always punish betrayal. It was a risk she'd have to take, because she'd been betrayed.
He can feel the sentiment ringing over and over again through her mind like a mantra, and it hits him sure and true as a bullet to the heart. And although he can also feel her trying, it’s not enough. And nothing he could say could be enough either, so what’s left then?
But he’d known this was a possibility all along, and he’d still gone through with it. Maybe it wouldn’t have ended this way if he’d done this differently from the start. Or maybe her anger had always been inevitable. And maybe this—her walking away from him, hurt and angry and him standing still, watching her leave—had been inevitable too.
It sure had been nice to dream about forever though.
“You could save yourself. Right now. Turn around, Ashe.”
She wasn't quite sure what she had been expecting. Had she wanted him to continue to try and stop her? She'd made it quite clear that she didn't intend to listen. Briefly she remembered him telling her that it didn't always have to be like this. It wasn't just on her to fix it, but with their tug and pull it seemed to be the same. Him telling her she could stop. Her ignoring him. Him leaving her alone to do it. It was like they were on a Merry-go-round; the horses bobbing up and down but just going around in a never ending loop. It didn't always have to be like this, but it wasn't just on her shoulders to put a stop to it. One of them had to take the first step, but neither were moving.
When she does take the first step it's away from him. His message about saving herself echoes in her mind and she can feel the sadness and pain in it. She was a stubborn fool, and she knew that, but it isn't enough to stop her. She needed to confront the man who had put them on this ride to begin with.
She pauses at his words, not turning around to look at him because her cheeks are wet now that she's turned away. "I'm the only one that saves me Jesse. You're mistake was thinkin' you could." There is so much pain in her words, but she just starts walking away again, just like the horse, going nowhere fast.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
“You alright?”
He waits until they’re pulled over to ask, the night around them feeling almost strangely muted compared to the roar of the bike. Thankfully, it’s really just a normal amount of quiet, otherwise Jesse would have kicked the engine back on and hightailed it out of there.
no subject
"How 'bout you? How you doin'?" She gave him a pointed look, that suggested she was over the pretense. His anxiety and grief and guilt were so loud it was starting to make her feel jumpy. For better or worse they needed to solve this. "And I'd like the truth, please." Mixed into her agitation and need to know, was concern and despite her putting her foot down, that concern was clear in her eyes. She just hoped that he would be honest with her.
no subject
which truth
He stays seated on the bike, but leans back so his hands are off the handlebars. He looks in turns defiant and defeated, stubborn and tired. She can probably feel the push and pull as he wrestles with what to say. And what not to say.
protect her
“You know I haven’t been great. Not since Rapture.” He really does hate the name of that city. Makes no damn sense. “I… saw an old memory.”
Reaper
“And it shook a few things loose in my head. That’s what the nightmares have been about, but they’ll go away.”
they did before
And none of it is even a lie.
no subject
She takes a deep breath, unsure herself if she wants the truth of whatever it is he's hiding from her.
"I know. And I've been tryin' to give you your space about this, but you gotta trust me enough to let me in."
When he speaks of the memory and the name Reaper creeps up like a whisper in her own head, she swallows.
"I get nightmares, had enough of them myself here. But I can feel you're keepin' somethin' from me. And what's this about Reaper?"
no subject
“No,” he says, not even aware he’s speaking the word out loud until it’s out of his mouth. But there it is, out in the open, and he shakes his head as he continues to speak. “Ashe, listen. This is one thing I can’t—”
don’t think about it don’t think about it
He’s giving himself a headache, and not just from sheer stubbornness. The bond works in mysterious ways, but it surely wasn’t meant to be fought with like this. The more he does, the harder it seems to be to keep his grip on it. It’ll happen any second now. He’s losing control. He realizes he’d stopped talking, teeth grit, eyes shut as he focuses. But trying to not think of something is a classically useless endeavor.
Reyes dying
GabeAnaJackOverwatchguiltReaperangerbeneath
the mask
he still looks like him
He can’t hold it anymore, and the bond opens up wide like a floodgate, the truth he’d been trying to suppress even louder and more forceful for it.
Reyes is Reaper. Reaper is Reyes.
no subject
There's guilt. That's for certain. Which is a relief since he's hiding something from her. There is fear too and despair. She can feel that he wants to protect her, and she would argue that she isn't a child or get mad at him but there isn't a chance too with the flood of memories that seems to spill over the edge. She feels like she'll drown in the middle of it all, but she holds herself steady trying to sort through it all.
As the dust seems to settle, she can see it more clearly. There is a vacant look on her face as if she's watching a film unfold. She's a smart woman and it doesn't take her too long to start to put together the pieces. There is a growing chaos of emotions that fills her mind as she repeats the same thing silently to herself. Reaper is Reyes, Reyes is Reaper. Pieces start to fit together. Reaper's obsession with Jesse. The man she had briefly spoken to as a teenager, was the same person who had taken Jesse from her.
It's a lot to process, and Ashe is breathing heavily as she finally looks to Jesse. Her heart wrenches painfully as old wounds feel like they are being ripped open again. She holds herself high and strong, but he'd know she didn't feel it. Reyes had been here the whole time, and Jesse had known it. Had he been protecting him? Her? Whatever his reasons, she wasn't okay with it, and her protective wall of anger is growing and when she finally speaks she's too calm for it to be a good thing.
"This whole time...you've been keepin' this from me? Y'know...I wondered why he was so obsessed with you...but I never put it together."
no subject
“Yeah. I have.”
No denial. No reason for it now.
“I didn’t know it was still him at first. Reaper… he had tells. I noticed them before even getting here, but I thought it was just his body. Just a shell left over from what Moira did. There was no way it could be Gabe under there. Then he ended up here…” And slowly, Jesse had realized Reaper was more than that. He’s not the same, not anymore, but what he is now is a lot more complicated than Jesse ever wanted to consider.
“He’s not the same man, but he’s not what I thought he was either. He’s somethin’ between.”
His gaze sharpens then, lit up with new intent. She can hold this against him, can freeze him out, can do whatever she sees fit if she only—
“Don’t go after him, Ashe.”
no subject
Something in her had been stolen the day he had. Her own memories came rushing back to her.
A meeting where she'd yelled mercilessly at the other members of Deadlock when they'd told her they hadn't been able to find him. She'd made threats and demands and screamed at them to go back again to find clues that she knew herself weren't there. It only stopped when one of the other co-founders placed a hand on her shoulder that the emotion had overwhelmed her and she'd stormed from the room so they wouldn't see her apart. She lost it instead behind the safety of her bedroom door sobbing on her bed until she'd passed out from exhaustion. Nights of drinking herself to sleep, while wearing his old sweatshirts followed.
Once she did pick herself back up, it was meetings with dangerous gang leaders to try and figure out his location. Digging herself in deeper, while simultaneously building on her parent's business model to create new partnerships and alliances. From time to time she'd check in for updates on Jesse's location. When a desperate attempt to find him had gone poorly and her life and the lives of others had been at risk, she'd had to choose.
The Southwest had been ready to name her the leader and offer her the crown and throne, wealth, power, and notoriety were at her fingertips. It was a life that might not have had him, but it was filled with luxury and all the things that had started to feel more reliable than people and relationships. She loved her team and her found family, but she kept them at a distance. She could at least cover the loneliness with glitter and gold. Just as Mr. and Mrs. Ashe had taught her.
There is a particularly poignant memory. She was standing in front of a mirror staring at her reflection. Around her several boxes of his things were packed up. A photo of them playing cards sat on the sink, in worn, but undamaged condition. For awhile she just looked at herself, and she'd been crying. Her hair was tied back in a braid that was thrown over her shoulder. Reaching for a pair of scissors she holds her braid in one hand. She swallowed and closed her eyes considering. When she opened them her reflection is one of determination. The braid fell to the sink moments later and she worked with the scissors to get her hair into something that satisfied her. Then she reached for her blood red lipstick and applied. Once finished, there was a smirk of satisfaction. Ashe had shed the past and accepted her new life.
It wasn't just her hair she had cut away. She'd cut away many of the parts of herself that he had loved, because they reminded her of happier times, and she couldn't survive in the world she now owned if she had continued to let them run the show. But when he'd returned, she hadn't been the girl that had been left behind, she was a woman he hadn't known. One she wasn't sure she had fully recognized.
Not until Deerington. And she'd let her guard down. She'd often felt foolish where Jesse was concerned, but she felt more the fool now for allowing him in, only to be lied to. Reyes, the man who had been a thorn in their story since the day he'd taken Jesse, was part of the story again. And it wasn't just Reyes anymore, now it was Reaper. No wonder he hadn't liked her. No wonder he'd been frustrated when Jesse had returned to her. The greatest enemy to her happiness had been with them like a shadow all along, messing with Jesse all over again. He was the cause of Jesse's nightmares, but he'd also been the cause of hers.
Her tone remains cold, there is madness in her eyes, and her chin is turned upwards in a familiar way. The way she looks before she calls someone out for going against her. The way she looks before she comes for blood, and it's not Jesse's she wants.
"Or what?"
no subject
He’d known about Ashe’s rise to power. Deadlock was still very much on Blackwatch’s radar even after the raid, with most of its leadership intact. He’d been proud at first. She was doing it. Everything they’d ever set out to take for themselves, she’d gotten. Then as his priorities had started to change, the pride… didn’t go away, per say. But it was tempered by regret. They’d just been two kids looking for freedom from their circumstances. They shouldn’t have had to turn into weapons to do that. Was the world a better place with Deadlock in it? He’d thought about that more than once. He’d wondered if she ever did too.
None of it is a surprise then, although her pain cuts him deep. The loneliness she’d endured, that he’d never known until Deerington.
But that’s something to think about later, because he knows that look in her eye. This is his worst fear coming to life right in front of him. Can she feel his fear? The slow but inevitable rise of sickening panic?
“Or he’ll kill you, Ashe.” His voice rises in volume, pleading. Jesse on the verge of begging is not something many have heard. “He won’t even think twice if you come at him. He was part of this experimental program when he was starting out in the military, him and Jack Morrison—government turned them into super soldiers. Shit’s still classified to this day, and it means it doesn’t matter what you do to get the drop on him. You’re not beatin’ him in a fight.”
He’s more afraid now than he’d been taking that bullet for Ashe. Him dying for her is one thing. Her throwing her life away is something else, something he can’t bear. He’ll do whatever it takes to stop this.
no subject
She stands in front of him, her features unwavering as he tells her about Reyes and his talents, how she's surely to end up dead if she goes up against him. The truth of that isn't lost on her, but death has never been good at leading her away from danger, especially when only her own life at stake. Right now the thought of standing in front of the man she's wanted to tear apart since her youth is like a drug, and whatever the outcome she is craving revenge. The panic he feels gives her pause, but it's not strong enough to combat the desire to fight his old commander.
"Well if that happens the kitties will kill him for me and when we're both back, I'll get my revenge then. While his memory is gone."
She walks around him to the bike, reaching for where she kept Viper tucked and pulls the weapon out to start checking for bullets. "You can't stop me. I have been waitin' for this conversation for far too long." A small part of her is worried that is she does this Jesse wouldn't forgive her. It's at combat with the voice that reminds her that he lied to her, withheld information. Once again, he'd made a choice without her input, and she isn't even sure how to forgive him. It's a perfect storm inside of her and she's crazy enough in that moment that she doesn't care who or what gets destroyed in its wake.
no subject
He turns, watching her check her weapon. Has she noticed yet that he took the keys with him when he got off the bike? Only a matter of time before she does. He can feel them in his pocket, a leaden weight that he ignores as he reaches out to put a hand on her arm.
“This isn’t worth it. He’s not even the same man in all the ways that mattered. The Reyes who took me is already dead, and I don’t want to lose you over the ghost that's left. That’s all he is anymore.”
A ghost still resembles the living though. Jesse knows this, has seen it for himself when looking at Reaper’s true face and seeing his memories. It’s not simple. None of this is simple.
“If you die tonight Ashe, over this, I…” his voice catches. “I don’t know what I’ll do. This is why I didn’t tell you, because I knew you’d go runnin’ off just like this.”
no subject
If she were honest she'd admit it was harder to think about just herself in general these days. If she went up against Reaper and died, then she'd be disappointing more than just Jesse. Her recklessness would impact Chloe, Ben, and Roxas; youth that were trying to rely on her. She didn't even know how B.O.B. would take it.
She closes her eyes as the battle of desire continues to wage war instead of her head. Jesse's desire. Her desire. Her throat feels tight. Jesse had gone and cracked the fragile trust that she'd been trying to rebuild with him. It might have been a smaller issue if the previous transgressions that she had been holding against him were buried deeper. As it stood, she's still working through those issues and though being in Deerington had given them distance, it hadn't erased the pain they'd caused her.
A small voice inside of her knows he's right. As a leader she knew to keep information from people that would put them at risk. The turmoil of it all is raging inside of her and she lets Viper rest on the seat, throwing her hands up in the air and letting out a holler of frustration. If there were ghosts in the fields tonight, they were wise enough to not show themselves.
"What you'll do!? Goddammit Jesse! It's all about what you'll do, isn't it!? Shit like this always comes out. Always. But what? You gotta...protect me? Because if you gave a shit about protectin' me, you'd start to takin' me into account! This ain't the first time you've withheld information from me, will it be the last?" She doubted it, some habits were hard to break. "But let's get one thing straight right here and right now." Her voice goes cold and she looks him dead in the eye.
"If I die, doin' what I want to do, that's my goddamn right because I am a grown ass woman and I don't need your damn protection. Hell, I've been without it for years. I can give you a checklist of a hundred times I've needed you, but you weren't there to protect me. And why is that? Because of him." She gestured to nowhere, swallowing as she tried to reign in her anger. "I lost your protection because of him. Don't patronize me with it now. Because if you really believed he was gone, you would have killed him yourself for all the crimes he's done. Now give me the damn keys." She held out her hand and it was shaking from the break in her own resolve over the matter.
no subject
It’s all about what you’ll do, isn’t it?
She’s right. That’s the hard thing about all of it really, that she’s right about so much. He hadn’t been there for her. Reyes was to blame, and no—despite what he says, he really doesn’t think Reyes is totally gone. And yes, even now, Jesse is making this about him to an extent. But that doesn’t stop anger from rising up to tangle with his fear—anger at her recklessness and her lack of regard for her own safety. She’d die for this, and she will unless he does something to stop it.
He meets her gaze with his own, steady and sad and fiery with determination.
“The whole reason I didn’t tell you is because I took you into account. You’re sure as hell not gonna do it for yourself. You think you’d be past this, throwing your good sense to the wind for revenge!”
He stops, breathing hard, eyes shining bright where the moonlight hits them. A wolf’s eyes. The anger is bringing it out more now, making him hyper-aware of the night around them and the danger on the wind. Slowly, he shakes his head and takes a purposeful step back away from her. The few feet now between them might as well be a mile. A canyon in a familiar desert they’ve both walked in before.
“No. Don’t think I will.”
no subject
She didn't want to die, despite all her reckless behavior that suggested otherwise, Ashe did not want to die. If it were any other situation she would have the ability to think with clarity about what she's facing. Only a little over an hour earlier they had been tucked into bed together, her soothing his nightmares away as he tried to regain his own clarity. Now they were standing apart and she can feel that distant. She knows this is the part where she sabotages what she has. It's like she's that child all over again scowling at the door when what she wants is to ask her parents to stay. But people didn't stay and so you had to hurt them before they could hurt you.
Without the fear of death being permanent, she's that much more of a loose canon because the consequence isn't as high. Spite is so intrinsically woven into her patterns of behavior that she'd practically die just to get back at him. While she's confused and lost, she can't get a strong enough grip on her rationality, though hopefully he'd feel her trying through their bond. This leaves her with nothing to turn to other than the same old tired patterns that leave her wounded and alone.
And with him standing there like that, eyes gleaming in the moonlight, he feels like a stranger. She doesn't want to lose the love or the romance of the foundation that they are slowly been building together. The future feels deeply uncertain and despite how badly she wants that future with him, she's a woman dedicated to the present.
Always punish betrayal. It rings louder in her head than her regret and desire to be proved wrong.
So punish betrayal she would. People would suffer that night, but she was already suffering and if she had to drag the entire town down with her, she would.
She walked back to the bike and grabbed Viper again, slinging the rifle over her shoulder and standing proud, once again at the the crossroads with him. "So what? You gonna lock me up? Throw away the key until I promise not to seek revenge? You know that isn't me. You can't watch me every second of every day."
She estimated the walk back, or the walk to wherever he was. She'd find him and if she had to walk to do it she would. "One way or another, I'm gonna teach that man that you don't fuck with Elizabeth Ashe. Sometimes people are just bad Jesse. I've never pretended to be otherwise, but that man who took you, somehow he convinced you his motives were pure and his heart was in the right place. Well I'm not blinded by it, so I'm goin' to do what you can't do and end it. Not everyone can be saved, maybe not even me." Her eyes were watering but she hoped it wasn't visible in the dark, she wanted to look strong and steadfast. She was terrified he'd never forgive her. Always punish betrayal. It was a risk she'd have to take, because she'd been betrayed.
"Keep the bike, I'll walk."
no subject
But he’d known this was a possibility all along, and he’d still gone through with it. Maybe it wouldn’t have ended this way if he’d done this differently from the start. Or maybe her anger had always been inevitable. And maybe this—her walking away from him, hurt and angry and him standing still, watching her leave—had been inevitable too.
It sure had been nice to dream about forever though.
“You could save yourself. Right now. Turn around, Ashe.”
no subject
When she does take the first step it's away from him. His message about saving herself echoes in her mind and she can feel the sadness and pain in it. She was a stubborn fool, and she knew that, but it isn't enough to stop her. She needed to confront the man who had put them on this ride to begin with.
She pauses at his words, not turning around to look at him because her cheeks are wet now that she's turned away. "I'm the only one that saves me Jesse. You're mistake was thinkin' you could." There is so much pain in her words, but she just starts walking away again, just like the horse, going nowhere fast.