You say what you want to say! You can't hurt me with your words or 'ruin my day' and I ain't gonna tell Chloe.
[ Her tone is strong, but it's not cruel. This is Ashe's way of giving her a chance to shed the sadness and face what's going on. She's seen the memories, she's had conversations with Chloe. She knows it's not an act that Max is putting on, but she also knows it's not helpful, and if she can get Max to see behind the tragedy of it all she may be able to help them bridge that gap because she knows Chloe wants to. ]
If I can I tell through text that you're miserable and wallowin' in it, then I guarantee you that Chloe knows you ain't happy. Sadness has its place Max, but it's holdin' you back. And sayin' there is nothin' to do is just a sorry excuse to sit in the middle of it and let it consume you. I know you are stronger than that because I have met that bitch alter ego of yours! What's it gonna be? You want to live in your photographs pickin' at old scabs so they never heal, or do you want to stand on your own two feet and be there for the person who loves you and needs you?
Self pity ain't your friend, it's your prison. And I am real good at breakin' outta jail if you want an accomplice.
[You know what? She does switch to video. If Ashe wants to see Max's bitchy side, that's what she'll fucking get.]
Fine! You want to know what I want to say? I wanna say fuck you, Ashe, because I am sad, I am miserable. And I went to you looking for a friend, because god knows I can't talk to Chloe about any of this. Especially right now. That's what you want, right? For me to... to swallow it up and bear it for her sake? Maybe I am shit at that - no, I definitely am, but I am trying to be better, dammit. You keep talking about it like- like I have a choice!
[Her tone pitches up on that last word, louder than the rest.]
I don't! Okay? Do you think I don't want to be happy? Do you think I don't- I don't want Chloe to be happy?
[There's definitely tears in her eyes, a mix of anger and shame.]
God, I- You- ugh!
[Either there's too much she wants to say or she can't find the words. In any case she's shaking with frustration.]
You-... you're right. I don't... I'm not a good friend.
[ There she is. Ashe always had been really good at bringin' the fight out of people when she so desired. If anything Max is saying bothers her, it doesn't show. She waits until she gets it out and watches, considering it all.
She's briefly reminded of Chloe just after McCree had died. Chloe, who had been accidentally making all the wrong choices that had led her down a murderous path. She recalled letting her get out the self blame and the hatred and the hurt. Ashe had been devastated at the loss of McCree, but there hadn't been anything to do except move forward. Sure, she'd spent a lot of the month drinking, but she had her own flaws that she buried in alcohol and the search for adrenaline. What she had been successful at was helping Chloe get past what she'd done and figure out how to move forward. The way she saw Max was that she was just as stuck.
She takes the verbal slaughter with a cool head, a smile pushing at one corner of her mouth. ] There it is! And you didn't even have to hide behind that alter ego of yours to pull it out. You're strong, you just got shut up that nasty little voice in your head that says otherwise.
Actually, I want you to be fuckin' honest and real, which is what I'm finally seein'. At least, I see you tryin. 'Cause here's the thing, I don't doubt that a part of you wants to see Chloe happy, but I'd wager that there's more to it than that. If Chloe gets happy, than you run the risk of her not needin' you to rescue her. [ She's expecting to get denial on that, but she's hoping that Max will really hear her and listen. ] My best guess is that you're afraid of her not needin' you, because you need her. I mean she dies and forgets herself and your first response to her potential happiness is misery. And does that make you a bad friend? It don't make you a good one, but you know that, you just said as much. But if you want to be a good friend, you can fix this.
First you gotta stop lyin' to yourself about havin' no choice. You ain't a victim. Hell, you pretty much got the 'choose your own adventure' super power. Every time you didn't like somethin' that you did or Chloe did you had the power to choose somethin' different. You held life and death in your hands and it's a sucky choice, but it's a choice and not likin' the choices ain't the same as not havin' any. Choosin' to save a whole town at the cost of your best friend's life, isn't the thing you did wrong here, just so you know. Hell, I understand what it's like to sacrifice a life, and it's miserable, but it don't make you a good or bad person. Just makes you a person who made a choice with the best knowledge you had. The thing that's holdin' you back from bein' a good friend, is that you are lettin' your past choices, define your future ones. [ She pauses briefly because those words hit so close to home for her. She's not so different in that respect. ]
And 'putting a smile on your face' don't mean ignorin' it or swallowin' it, it means not lettin' it consume you until your sadness bleeds into everythin' around you when there are other things that need attention.
[First response to her potential happiness is misery. Max cringes at those words. And others too - afraid of her not needing you, and lying to yourself bout having no choice... the list goes on.]
That wasn't my first- I didn't-...
[She doesn't look Ashe in the eye. She remembers telling Chloe about Wonderland... about dying and waking up alone... about her best friends leaving one by one... and Chloe...]
I don't care if she needs me or not. I don't! But we- we promised we'd be there for each other, and... I d-don't want her to go. I don't want her to leave. I don't want to be-
[alone again
Her tone takes a sharper edge.]
Stop it. I know what you're doing. You're just... baiting me. Don't- Don't pretend to understand what I can do- what I had to! Like fuck I had a choice - Don't pretend it was like- like any other choice in the world! Whatever I did there, whatever I decided, it was going to be terrible, and it still is terrible, and don't pretend I can just... discard that like it's nothing! You're saying all this bullshit, pretending you know what I went through, what I'm feeling now!
[Her face is flushed and her voice raised.]
You want to talk about second chances? You want to talk about fresh starts? Well this is mine! And I know I'm fucking it up. But now you just want me to- to let it go with a smile on my face because-
[For Chloe's sake - so she can be happy.]
Fine! [And now there's tears spilling from her eyes.] Fine! You want to me to let go of who I am - to give up hoping for the kind of future I want - to gladly accept that Chloe doesn't remember me - so she can be happy. Fine, Ashe. I get it. I get who the priority is - who it always is when I'm here. Fine! Fuck how Max feels!
[And she slams down on the button to end the ca. The feed ends abruptly, with a sharp jolt and then silence.
If Ashe wants to find her in person, she's probably seen enough from the video to know that Max is at home.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
You say what you want to say! You can't hurt me with your words or 'ruin my day' and I ain't gonna tell Chloe.
[ Her tone is strong, but it's not cruel. This is Ashe's way of giving her a chance to shed the sadness and face what's going on. She's seen the memories, she's had conversations with Chloe. She knows it's not an act that Max is putting on, but she also knows it's not helpful, and if she can get Max to see behind the tragedy of it all she may be able to help them bridge that gap because she knows Chloe wants to. ]
If I can I tell through text that you're miserable and wallowin' in it, then I guarantee you that Chloe knows you ain't happy. Sadness has its place Max, but it's holdin' you back. And sayin' there is nothin' to do is just a sorry excuse to sit in the middle of it and let it consume you. I know you are stronger than that because I have met that bitch alter ego of yours! What's it gonna be? You want to live in your photographs pickin' at old scabs so they never heal, or do you want to stand on your own two feet and be there for the person who loves you and needs you?
Self pity ain't your friend, it's your prison. And I am real good at breakin' outta jail if you want an accomplice.
no subject
Fine! You want to know what I want to say? I wanna say fuck you, Ashe, because I am sad, I am miserable. And I went to you looking for a friend, because god knows I can't talk to Chloe about any of this. Especially right now. That's what you want, right? For me to... to swallow it up and bear it for her sake? Maybe I am shit at that - no, I definitely am, but I am trying to be better, dammit. You keep talking about it like- like I have a choice!
[Her tone pitches up on that last word, louder than the rest.]
I don't! Okay? Do you think I don't want to be happy? Do you think I don't- I don't want Chloe to be happy?
[There's definitely tears in her eyes, a mix of anger and shame.]
God, I- You- ugh!
[Either there's too much she wants to say or she can't find the words. In any case she's shaking with frustration.]
You-... you're right. I don't... I'm not a good friend.
no subject
She's briefly reminded of Chloe just after McCree had died. Chloe, who had been accidentally making all the wrong choices that had led her down a murderous path. She recalled letting her get out the self blame and the hatred and the hurt. Ashe had been devastated at the loss of McCree, but there hadn't been anything to do except move forward. Sure, she'd spent a lot of the month drinking, but she had her own flaws that she buried in alcohol and the search for adrenaline. What she had been successful at was helping Chloe get past what she'd done and figure out how to move forward. The way she saw Max was that she was just as stuck.
She takes the verbal slaughter with a cool head, a smile pushing at one corner of her mouth. ] There it is! And you didn't even have to hide behind that alter ego of yours to pull it out. You're strong, you just got shut up that nasty little voice in your head that says otherwise.
Actually, I want you to be fuckin' honest and real, which is what I'm finally seein'. At least, I see you tryin. 'Cause here's the thing, I don't doubt that a part of you wants to see Chloe happy, but I'd wager that there's more to it than that. If Chloe gets happy, than you run the risk of her not needin' you to rescue her. [ She's expecting to get denial on that, but she's hoping that Max will really hear her and listen. ] My best guess is that you're afraid of her not needin' you, because you need her. I mean she dies and forgets herself and your first response to her potential happiness is misery. And does that make you a bad friend? It don't make you a good one, but you know that, you just said as much. But if you want to be a good friend, you can fix this.
First you gotta stop lyin' to yourself about havin' no choice. You ain't a victim. Hell, you pretty much got the 'choose your own adventure' super power. Every time you didn't like somethin' that you did or Chloe did you had the power to choose somethin' different. You held life and death in your hands and it's a sucky choice, but it's a choice and not likin' the choices ain't the same as not havin' any. Choosin' to save a whole town at the cost of your best friend's life, isn't the thing you did wrong here, just so you know. Hell, I understand what it's like to sacrifice a life, and it's miserable, but it don't make you a good or bad person. Just makes you a person who made a choice with the best knowledge you had. The thing that's holdin' you back from bein' a good friend, is that you are lettin' your past choices, define your future ones. [ She pauses briefly because those words hit so close to home for her. She's not so different in that respect. ]
And 'putting a smile on your face' don't mean ignorin' it or swallowin' it, it means not lettin' it consume you until your sadness bleeds into everythin' around you when there are other things that need attention.
no subject
That wasn't my first- I didn't-...
[She doesn't look Ashe in the eye. She remembers telling Chloe about Wonderland... about dying and waking up alone... about her best friends leaving one by one... and Chloe...]
I don't care if she needs me or not. I don't! But we- we promised we'd be there for each other, and... I d-don't want her to go. I don't want her to leave. I don't want to be-
[alone again
Her tone takes a sharper edge.]
Stop it. I know what you're doing. You're just... baiting me. Don't- Don't pretend to understand what I can do- what I had to! Like fuck I had a choice - Don't pretend it was like- like any other choice in the world! Whatever I did there, whatever I decided, it was going to be terrible, and it still is terrible, and don't pretend I can just... discard that like it's nothing! You're saying all this bullshit, pretending you know what I went through, what I'm feeling now!
[Her face is flushed and her voice raised.]
You want to talk about second chances? You want to talk about fresh starts? Well this is mine! And I know I'm fucking it up. But now you just want me to- to let it go with a smile on my face because-
[For Chloe's sake - so she can be happy.]
Fine! [And now there's tears spilling from her eyes.] Fine! You want to me to let go of who I am - to give up hoping for the kind of future I want - to gladly accept that Chloe doesn't remember me - so she can be happy. Fine, Ashe. I get it. I get who the priority is - who it always is when I'm here. Fine! Fuck how Max feels!
[And she slams down on the button to end the ca. The feed ends abruptly, with a sharp jolt and then silence.
If Ashe wants to find her in person, she's probably seen enough from the video to know that Max is at home.]