[ What? Crap. Crap, crap, crap. Those words hit her about as close to home as any could. She'd asked Jesse the same thing when she was young and in a particularly vulnerable moment while he cleaned her up from a fight. She thought about what she'd needed to hear, trying to figure out how to best answer her question. Jesse was definitely better at this. ]
I can tell you what I think and feel, but I can't convince that voice in your head and heart that it's the truth.
Well that's bullshit, no one who is afraid of bein' unlovable is incapable of love. Problem is that you've got too much to give that it bleeds outta you in all the wrong places.
[ She pauses, considering. At least she's trying. ]
You gotta start to store that love that keeps spillin' over the edges. A bleeding animal out in the wild attracts predators, not help. And people, they just latch onto you and they take and take until you are dry.
Start makin' people work for your love and you'll see get rid of the folks who are pickin' you out of the crowd for an easy meal.
[ Chloe feels her throat close up for a second before she can't really stop the whole ... crying thing. She tried to hold out, really she did. ]
What if it's like last time and no one wants to work for it? Even Max didn't want to work for it. Why would anyone else want to? Rachel broke through and then she just— And I— I even kept Keith at a distance for so long and— and when I finally let him in, when I trusted him, he— he just—
[ She cuts herself off with a hiccup-like sob. ]
It's like I don't know how to make the right choice. I've been trying so hard to figure out how to not be broken, but it's like I can't be anything else anymore.
[ She doesn't let the crying impact her or change her course of talk, Chloe needs honesty. Her tone is gentle, but firm. ]
Well I chose to make people fear me if they didn't want to love me, but Jesse would point out I'm not the poster child for emotional stability. I'd also be more than willin' to go make Keith wet his pants if you wanted me to. But I digress.
There is always just acceptin' that you are broken, and stop tryin' to be anythin' else. Maybe you don't gotta be the perfect, loveable, girl who makes everyone happy and tries to fix herself. The person who will love you no matter what and never do wrong by you, does not exist and you are twistin' yourself into knots to try and be what that fictional person wants. And people are gonna continue to disappoint you, if you keep believin' you can change yourself to suit them.
If you can't be anythin' else right now, then be the person who makes the wrong choices. But own your choices. Own your right ones. Own your wrong ones. You don't get a choice is bein' broken, but you sure as hell have all the power in the world over what you do with the pieces.
I don't know how to make people afraid of me. I just know how to push them away.
[ She swallows, going quiet for a minute, because she knows that Ashe is right, as much as it hurts to hear. She's hugging her pillow to her chest, burying her face against it for a moment to try and stop the crying. It's not working very well, but she feels silly for getting as upset. ]
I guess... what hurts the most is I didn't try and change myself for Keith. I mean, other than ignoring the whole... not being into guys things. But I was just me. And I thought he liked me. So when I showed him all of me, having him just... leave... Because I couldn't give him what he wanted anymore...
[ She sniffs, wiping her nose on her sleeve. ]
I don't want you to scare him. I just wanted to believe maybe he really did care. It fucking sucks knowing he never did.
You don't gotta be me and scare people. My way of pushing people away was to scare them off, maybe you have a different way that works. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you stop owning their mistakes.
Take Keith for instance. Keith isn't an asshole because you did something wrong, Keith is an asshole and you unfortunately got hooked into it. Would you blame a fish for biting a worm that has a hidden hook? This isn't you couldn't give him what he wanted, this is he was an asshole who wanted something ridiculous like for you to keep sleeping with him so he wouldn't feel bad about himself. And that's just rapey. If his ego is too small that the only way he feels cared about is if he can put his dick in something, that's not a you issue, that's a him issue. And we gotta have a different discussion if you think you deserve rapey boy friends.
Ugh...now I am more mad and I really wanna go scare him. Teach him a thing or two... I won't if you don't want me to, but goddamn. What a little fucker. [ She's getting heated over it and starts making fun of Keith in a mocking tone. ] Oh noooo, don't be a lesbian Chloe, I need to put my dick in you. How will I know you love me if I can't put my little dick in you.
[ Chloe manages a weak laugh at her impression of Keith, sniffling quietly after it as she tries to absorb everything she'd said. There's a lot of it that she knows she's right about. That she should really believe.
And we gotta have a different discussion if you think you deserve rapey boy friends.
For some reason she certainly can't place, the comment makes her chest feel tight. She stays quiet for probably longer than she should, and tries to push passed that feeling quickly. ]
I—
I guess that... makes sense. He— I mean, Keith wasn't—
[ It's her knee jerk to want to defend the people she's cared about, to bend over backwards to try and make excuses for when they act poorly, but she stumbles over her attempts this time. ]
...He's already fucking one of my friends. So I guess he wasn't too brokenhearted over it all.
[ She'll dig it out of her one way or another, but for now she focuses on the words she does say and the tone to them.
If she hadn't stopped herself from defending him then Ashe certainly would have. ]
Look, I wasn't sayin' that he raped you, I was sayin' his behavior and those expectations are real rapey. No boy should ever be usin' a girl for sex and then stop being her friend if she won't have sex. That's just gross.
[ There it is, that need for another discussion. ]
Now I'm not sayin' that people don't get guilt tripped into sex all the time, but there is never a time that feelin' guilty should be a part of sex. If one party feels guilty or guilted into it, then it's not consent. It's, I wouldn't do this under other circumstances, but I guess I might as well just do it anyway, because the other person wants it and I don't want to make them feel bad. Fuck their feelings! They don't belong in your goddamn vagina if the only reason you are doin' it is so they don't feel bad or whine at you.
Now, see that's at least consensual. I have had plenty of mutually useful sexual partners, where both parties want sex and nothin' more.
... does her not getting it need a cw, it feels like it should
[ She's hesitant, and she's quick on the pick up that something had changed about Chloe. ]
It don't require a gun for a man who take advantage of a woman. Society has allowed them every weapon in the book to get what they want from a girl's body and the smarter women get about it, the more inconspicuous they gotta be in convincin' them it ain't rape.
Consent is sayin' yes, without any influences; be that drugs, alcohol, weapons, or just the right amount of guilt and lies.
[ Without any influences. Chloe's quiet for a good minute there, staring at her device like Ashe has just told her that someone died. She's glad this isn't video given how much she must look like a deer in the headlights.
Had Eliot used guilt and lies? Did it count? He'd asked and asked and promised it would feel good and she hadn't said yes exactly, but she hadn't said no either, which...
Which was supposed to count. Oh boy. Oh boy. She forgot to breathe and it comes a little heavier after a second, before she's fumbling with the device again. ]
[ She had not been expecting her to run like that, and it is alarming to have such a conversation cut short.
Ashe was no stranger to harassment, you didn't get to be a powerful woman without men at least making some sort of attempts to humiliate you. She'd thankfully be more powerful, but she knew how easy it could be to get caught in that trap. ]
Chloe? Wait...Don't you dare...
[ She let out a frustrated sigh, before wrapping up work and locking up what needed to be locked up so that she could go find her and deal with this in person.
Takes her a little bit to find her, but when she does she approaches in a way thats clear she's out of breath. She's not annoyed though, like she might have been if anyone else in another situation had sent her on a wild goose chase. ]
[ She feels like she probably should have expected that. She knew it wasn't a great idea to hang up on Ashe, but she hadn't been thinking clearly at the time. She hadn't been thinking at all, even, simply going off of the instinctual need to just get away from the topic and shut down somewhere.
Apparently the somewhere being her bathroom in Ashe's manor. She was smart enough to run a bath to try and ground herself and then curled up in the tub full of bubbles like it was the world's wettest safety blanket. She's not surprised when she finally hears the door open, keeping her head rested on her knees without looking up at Ashe as she comes in. ]
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no subject
I can tell you what I think and feel, but I can't convince that voice in your head and heart that it's the truth.
no subject
Someone wrote on the wall that I don't know how to love anyone. And people I really let myself love keep using me. I don't... know how to keep trying.
no subject
Well that's bullshit, no one who is afraid of bein' unlovable is incapable of love. Problem is that you've got too much to give that it bleeds outta you in all the wrong places.
[ She pauses, considering. At least she's trying. ]
Have you ever considered not tryin'?
no subject
I'm starting to.
no subject
[ She takes a deep breath. ]
You gotta start to store that love that keeps spillin' over the edges. A bleeding animal out in the wild attracts predators, not help. And people, they just latch onto you and they take and take until you are dry.
Start makin' people work for your love and you'll see get rid of the folks who are pickin' you out of the crowd for an easy meal.
no subject
[ Chloe feels her throat close up for a second before she can't really stop the whole ... crying thing. She tried to hold out, really she did. ]
What if it's like last time and no one wants to work for it? Even Max didn't want to work for it. Why would anyone else want to? Rachel broke through and then she just— And I— I even kept Keith at a distance for so long and— and when I finally let him in, when I trusted him, he— he just—
[ She cuts herself off with a hiccup-like sob. ]
It's like I don't know how to make the right choice. I've been trying so hard to figure out how to not be broken, but it's like I can't be anything else anymore.
no subject
Well I chose to make people fear me if they didn't want to love me, but Jesse would point out I'm not the poster child for emotional stability. I'd also be more than willin' to go make Keith wet his pants if you wanted me to. But I digress.
There is always just acceptin' that you are broken, and stop tryin' to be anythin' else. Maybe you don't gotta be the perfect, loveable, girl who makes everyone happy and tries to fix herself. The person who will love you no matter what and never do wrong by you, does not exist and you are twistin' yourself into knots to try and be what that fictional person wants. And people are gonna continue to disappoint you, if you keep believin' you can change yourself to suit them.
If you can't be anythin' else right now, then be the person who makes the wrong choices. But own your choices. Own your right ones. Own your wrong ones. You don't get a choice is bein' broken, but you sure as hell have all the power in the world over what you do with the pieces.
no subject
[ She swallows, going quiet for a minute, because she knows that Ashe is right, as much as it hurts to hear. She's hugging her pillow to her chest, burying her face against it for a moment to try and stop the crying. It's not working very well, but she feels silly for getting as upset. ]
I guess... what hurts the most is I didn't try and change myself for Keith. I mean, other than ignoring the whole... not being into guys things. But I was just me. And I thought he liked me. So when I showed him all of me, having him just... leave... Because I couldn't give him what he wanted anymore...
[ She sniffs, wiping her nose on her sleeve. ]
I don't want you to scare him. I just wanted to believe maybe he really did care. It fucking sucks knowing he never did.
no subject
Take Keith for instance. Keith isn't an asshole because you did something wrong, Keith is an asshole and you unfortunately got hooked into it. Would you blame a fish for biting a worm that has a hidden hook? This isn't you couldn't give him what he wanted, this is he was an asshole who wanted something ridiculous like for you to keep sleeping with him so he wouldn't feel bad about himself. And that's just rapey. If his ego is too small that the only way he feels cared about is if he can put his dick in something, that's not a you issue, that's a him issue. And we gotta have a different discussion if you think you deserve rapey boy friends.
Ugh...now I am more mad and I really wanna go scare him. Teach him a thing or two... I won't if you don't want me to, but goddamn. What a little fucker. [ She's getting heated over it and starts making fun of Keith in a mocking tone. ] Oh noooo, don't be a lesbian Chloe, I need to put my dick in you. How will I know you love me if I can't put my little dick in you.
Ugh. I have shot men for less, just so you know.
no subject
And we gotta have a different discussion if you think you deserve rapey boy friends.
For some reason she certainly can't place, the comment makes her chest feel tight. She stays quiet for probably longer than she should, and tries to push passed that feeling quickly. ]
I—
I guess that... makes sense. He— I mean, Keith wasn't—
[ It's her knee jerk to want to defend the people she's cared about, to bend over backwards to try and make excuses for when they act poorly, but she stumbles over her attempts this time. ]
...He's already fucking one of my friends. So I guess he wasn't too brokenhearted over it all.
no subject
If she hadn't stopped herself from defending him then Ashe certainly would have. ]
Look, I wasn't sayin' that he raped you, I was sayin' his behavior and those expectations are real rapey. No boy should ever be usin' a girl for sex and then stop being her friend if she won't have sex. That's just gross.
[ Oh no, extra gross in her book. ]
Does she know she's now bein' used?
no subject
[ C h l o e. ]
She's using him, too. I guess it's a nice little arrangement. At least he's upfront this time.
cw: rapey discusssion
Now I'm not sayin' that people don't get guilt tripped into sex all the time, but there is never a time that feelin' guilty should be a part of sex. If one party feels guilty or guilted into it, then it's not consent. It's, I wouldn't do this under other circumstances, but I guess I might as well just do it anyway, because the other person wants it and I don't want to make them feel bad. Fuck their feelings! They don't belong in your goddamn vagina if the only reason you are doin' it is so they don't feel bad or whine at you.
Now, see that's at least consensual. I have had plenty of mutually useful sexual partners, where both parties want sex and nothin' more.
... does her not getting it need a cw, it feels like it should
It might not be great, but it's still consensual if they say yes, isn't it? I mean, it's not like they had a gun on your or whatever.
she needs her own warning label.
[ She's hesitant, and she's quick on the pick up that something had changed about Chloe. ]
It don't require a gun for a man who take advantage of a woman. Society has allowed them every weapon in the book to get what they want from a girl's body and the smarter women get about it, the more inconspicuous they gotta be in convincin' them it ain't rape.
Consent is sayin' yes, without any influences; be that drugs, alcohol, weapons, or just the right amount of guilt and lies.
cw chloe price really would work well
Had Eliot used guilt and lies? Did it count? He'd asked and asked and promised it would feel good and she hadn't said yes exactly, but she hadn't said no either, which...
Which was supposed to count. Oh boy. Oh boy. She forgot to breathe and it comes a little heavier after a second, before she's fumbling with the device again. ]
Sure. Okay. Uh— great lesson. I—
I gotta go, though. So... I'll see you later.
[ Is she really hanging up on Ashe????
... She's really hanging up on Ashe. ]
Action then...
Ashe was no stranger to harassment, you didn't get to be a powerful woman without men at least making some sort of attempts to humiliate you. She'd thankfully be more powerful, but she knew how easy it could be to get caught in that trap. ]
Chloe? Wait...Don't you dare...
[ She let out a frustrated sigh, before wrapping up work and locking up what needed to be locked up so that she could go find her and deal with this in person.
Takes her a little bit to find her, but when she does she approaches in a way thats clear she's out of breath. She's not annoyed though, like she might have been if anyone else in another situation had sent her on a wild goose chase. ]
no subject
Apparently the somewhere being her bathroom in Ashe's manor. She was smart enough to run a bath to try and ground herself and then curled up in the tub full of bubbles like it was the world's wettest safety blanket. She's not surprised when she finally hears the door open, keeping her head rested on her knees without looking up at Ashe as she comes in. ]
... I'm fine.